No Need to Hide the Neediness

Hmm. So God is working through a lot of pride in my life. He's working though a crap-load of stuff right now, actually. But this post is gonna be about how he is stripping away some pride and bad habits in my life. When I feel needy, I mask my needs because it makes me feel exposed, weak, and I feel like I’m a hassle for others to deal with. This week has been one of the worst weeks that I can remember and my emotions are not at all what I expected them to be in response to crappy stuff coming up. No relief - only pain, grief, loneliness, with a hint of unhealthy regret. Multiple times, I've found myself utterly helpless, needy, and exposed to vulnerability at its finest. I cannot control my emotions in front of other people. I'm usually pretty good at that but it comes at a dangerous cost. I've found myself in the hands of others, feeling so weak and challenged with the reality that I need their help and I cannot hide my neediness from them. Dang. I need help. Shoot, I'm weaker than I thought. Crap, I'm a mess and I cannot work through things on my own.

The thing is - I know the truth. I know God will gradually heal me. I know He is gonna be faithful to me (as He always has been) and use this to strengthen my trust in Him. But the thing is, I am super weak and needy right now and as much truth as I know to be true, I still need help. I just do.

The girls that I'm supposed to be building into are building into me. I'm supposed to be asking them how their lives are going and instead, they are asking me. Multiple staff members are loving-on me like crazy. I'm a broken, messy, weak person. The great thing is that I don't need to hide my neediness. I don't need to be strong. I need to rely on God's strength because I ain't got nothin’. It's okay for me to ask for help and accept it when it's offered. God placed me in a community that follows Christ's example (not perfectly, no) and is allowing me to go to my brothers and sisters in Christ during this time. There is something beautiful about being sweetly broken within the body of Christ. A mess, exposed, vulnerable, weak, humbled - and that is completely okay to be all of those things.

Jesus did not mask his emotions, pain, and agony to his disciples. Rather, he shared his emotions and pain with them. He asked them to pray for him and be with him during times of distress. See the reference here. If we, as the body of Christ want to follow Jesus' example, this is one way that we can. Within many churches, we rarely express our deepest pain and neediness. We don't ask for help. When we remember where our righteousness comes from and where our true identity lies in Christ, we are free to struggle. Hallelujah! 

Prayer for Pizza

One evening in Colorado this summer, I was a hot mess trying to deal with things that came up in my life. I was processing through some of it with one of my pastors in the lobby of a facility at the YMCA of the Rockies. After talking through what came up, my pastor and I developed a hankering for pizza. A perfect midnight snack, right? After seriously praying to God for peace and guidance, we seriously prayed for pizza. We called the YMCA front desk to ask if they knew of late-night pizza places. They didn't. What was still open in the tiny town of Estes Park, CO? Nothing. Nothing was open. While my pastor was on the phone with the YMCA staff, my eyes wandered across the desolate lobby. My eyes landed upon the trashcans. The trashcans. There were pizza boxes stacked on-top of the trashcans! Could there be pizza inside of them? Glowing with hope, I made eye-contact with my pastor and pointed towards the pizza boxes on top of the trash. "I highly doubt it, but do you think there could be any left in there?" I walked across the lobby with anticipation and when I opened up a pizza box, my eyes widened with amazement. PIZZA! Better yet, FREE PIZZA! Oh praise Jesus! Two perfect slices of pizza waiting to be eaten. My pastor and I delighted in eating the pizza while laughing out loud in amazement and thanking God. We earnestly prayed for pizza. A silly and small prayer, maybe. But God answered that silly and small prayer in a miraculous way. No pizza places were open and there was pizza - maybe on top of a trashcan, but still - it was an answered prayer for pizza!

A bug for a bug

I love butterflies. Why? I love them because God uses them to remind me of His faithfulness and His constant presence. Whenever I see one I am reminded of His love for me and His delight in me.

Let's just say that this summer has been filled with butterfly-God moments as cheesy and weird as that sounds.

I just can't help but to share about a specific moment related to God and butterflies. Here it is...

As I was sitting outside one day talking to God, I was in an awesome spot. No one was in sight and it was a beautiful day, full of sunshine. Unfortunately, there were so many distractions despite the remote location. Bugs were zipping around everywhere and black and hairy spiders were creeping around the boulder that I was sitting on. I was distracted by the bugs surrounding me and I didn't know what God wanted me to bring up with Him. Needless to say, I was a struggle-bus.

I whipped out my journal to God and asked Him to take away the distractions and allow me to focus. Immediately after I wrote this prayer to Him, I looked up and a simple white butterfly flew straight past me. My eyes followed the butterfly until it flew beyond my sight, accompanied with a huge grin upon my face. How ironic? I asked God to take away what was distracting me - bugs. He brought me something to re-focus my distracted mind - a bug. Who knew that this would help? God knew.

The timing of it all was just right. But just wait! The story only gets better...as God's faithfulness and goodness is revealed even more.

After the time with God, my project group for LT met up to talk about what came up during out conversations with God. My friend asked me and I told her about the butterfly moment. She stopped for a moment and then began speaking, "I wasn't going to tell you until I heard from you. During my time with God, I saw an orange butterfly and asked God to send you one during your time. Again, I saw another butterfly but it was white instead of orange. When I saw this second butterfly I told God to specifically send that one."

The butterfly that I saw was white and she asked God to specifically send me the white butterfly that she saw. God is so great, even in the simplest of ways.

Rockies. Colorado. Community. Hiking. Bears, oh my!

Okay. So this summer I am planning on going to Colorado to participate in a leadership training (LT) program with my church, H2O. I will  also be working at a YMCA in the Rockies. The Rockies. Colorado. Community. Hiking. Bears, oh my! My backyard will be the mountains. Exciting, right?

Can I be honest with you? I'll be honest with you. I am actually...not feeling excited about going there. I don't feel the excitement that I 'should' be feeling about living in the Rockies for a summer with an incredible community. And it is also really okay not to feel excited...I just...am not.

Yet, I know that God is going to bless me for going. I know that He is going to exceed my expectations by far. I know that He is going to use me in Colorado for His glory. I know that He is going to challenge me, nurture me, and love me.

I know this because I know that He is sending me there. Although I am currently unexcited, I was excited before I applied for LT. Silly. For various reasons, I started questioning whether or not it would be best to remain at home or go to Colorado. I applied anyways. "Okay God. If you want me to go, give me a job. If you don't want me to go...well...don't give me a job in Colorado!" Oh yeah, and I got pretty specific with God too. "It would be super great if you could let me know about a job or not before I leave for Guatemala in March. Okay? K." 

Yeah...God told me about a job acceptance two days before I left for Guatemala. At that point, I knew what to do. I'm going...shoot! I'm going to Colorado for my entire summer.

Can I just tell you all of the issues going into this decision? I want to tell you because I want to proclaim how great God is. How great my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ is...

Money. Money. Money. Not because I want a ton of money...but because I do need a certain amount to pay rent, buy food, etc. next school year. Colorado...not much money will come from working there this summer.

Next school year (here's how it goes): 15 hours (required) per week of field placement for my major; 15 hours (required) of work (to pay rent, food, etc); 15 credit hours (required) of classes. BAM. 45 hours a week already knocked out.

Field Placement...it all depended on where I would get placed as to how many hours a week I could work a job. I needed a flexible agency. Unfortunately, there's not much say as to where you get placed. Boys and Girls Club...interests me...they are flexible. Please God....send me there!

Subleasing my apartment for the summer. Why is this so difficult? I share a room. If my roomie wanted to stay in the apartment this summer, I'd simply have to pay my portion. She decided to go home for the summer...this made it a little easier. We could sublease...but due to the way the rent is dispersed among the 5 of us total tenants, my roomie and I would need to pay the difference...unless we found 2 people who conveniently wanted to share our room. Yeah...it would take a miracle for that to happen considering that there are two available bedrooms in our apartment for the summer. If I pay my rent and go to LT...financially...it would be a huge struggle...

Here's what God did. He placed me at Boys and Girls Club for next school year. He found two people who wanted to share a room in my apartment this summer. We told them they could have their own rooms (for only a slight increase in price) and they still wanted to share a room. Miracle. God provides. He blesses. He has shown me that He truly does provide and bless you when you are obedient to Him. He is awesome :)

1 Thessalonians 1:3

"We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." -1 Thessalonians 1:3

I love the way that Paul words this sentence. I love it because of the way he pieces together work & faith; labor & love; and endurance & hope.

When we acquire faith in Christ (and not just a belief in Him), we begin to choose to work for Him. We can be assured that when we work for Christ and lay down our lives for Him, He will bless us. 

Although we do not need to do good works to receive God's love and spend an eternity with Him (because of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection), our faith in Him produces good works. As we follow Him and continue to grow in love with Him, we want to labor for Him. We want to because we love Him. It is similar to the way we respond when we love others. When you love and care about someone, you choose to serve them because you simply love them. So, our labor is prompted by love.

Endurance. We are called to endure hardships, persecutions, and life on this place called Earth that is not our home. How do you endure something tough? I know that for me, I endure through hope. I endure because I have something to hope for and I have something to look forward to. Jesus Christ gives us hope because we know that when we have faith in Him, we have eternity with Him. We will be brought back home.

So, to sum this all up - Our work and service for Christ is produced by our faith in Him. Our labor is prompted by our love for Him. Our endurance is inspired by our hope in Him.

NINOS DE GUATEMALA!

Hello. So, I guess that I never really blogged about my trips to Guatemala this year...I should probably explain them in detail before referencing them [these trips kinda made a huge impact in my life...and God used them to spark (and fan) a flame of passion within my heart]. 

My team worked with a group of inner-city kids through a church in Guatemala City, Guatemala. The kids randomly signed up for a week-long program run by a group of crazy white college students. GRINGOS. Yeah...we were that group. Apparently it's a big deal to see someone who is white walking around in Guatemala. We were the classic tourists (even though Guatemala isn't a common touristy spot) with cameras, spanglish, and pasty-white skin...I give them [Guatemalans] every right to make fun of us ha.

Okay for real here - 

It was incredibly evident that the children we worked with do not receive the validation and attention that they need. Some of those children go home to over-stuffed apartment units. Some of those children go home with no parental supervision. Some of them go to a home housing gang members (gang-members being their parents). The majority of the gang-member parents are fathers so it is common for the children to lack a fatherly-figure.

When I say that it was evident that those children do not receive enough attention and validation, I truly mean it. It was evident in the way that they interacted with us. They soaked up every single moment that they could with us. The tiniest bit of attention and validation that you gave them sparked the grittiest, mile-wide grin possible. These children are beautiful and their smiles break my heart. There is something great to be learned from these children.

Remember when I said, "they soaked up every single moment that they could with us"? Those children soaked up every moment with us because they needed that validation and attention. They received joy through it. The kids did not want to waste any time with us because they had love for us. 

The way that the kids soaked up every waking moment with us is a great example of how we should soak  up every moment with God. Every waking moment. We desperately need His attention and validation - we were made for it. We receive joy through Christ.


I truly love those children in Guatemala. However, I must be honest. There were times when I was so physically exhausted that I wanted to give up [and take a nap]. The group of children in December absolutely loved piggy-back rides. After giving 5 piggy-back rides in a row (multiple times per day) I was exhausted...really...another one? The kids in March loved playing freeze-tag. They would always make us [college students] be "it" - it was exhausting! Anytime I heard a child shout, "Rachel! Freeze tag!", my initial thought was "not again!"

We must remember that faith is not based on feelings. Sometimes, we simply just aren't "feeling it." Sometimes we don't feel super excited and emotional about God. Can we still have faith in Him? Yes. Can we still spend time with Him when we are not feeling it? Yes, and you will be blessed. Although there were times when I was exhausted and did not feel excited to be with the kids, it was well worth the time. Every single second. I did not feel "emotional" about the kids all the time, but I still loved them and persevered in soaking up time with them. It was a blessing. Let us persevere in our relationship with Christ out of love for Him. Let us soak up every moment with Him despite how we are feeling.

The Metaphorical Dance

Ballroom Dancing. Yes. I am taking a ballroom dancing class. I nearly dropped the class before the first day of it because when I think of "dance," I think of me tripping and doing a face plant onto the floor. I made myself go the first day and told myself that I could drop it only after I tried the class. Okay, I admit that I absolutely love the class despite my clumsiness.

Before my first dance class this semester, I begged God to place someone I know in the class with me or another christian. When I walked into class, I sat next to a girl and began talking with her. As we discussed why we chose the majors that we did, I mentioned that I chose my major because I wanted to do some form of ministry. Often, when I mention ministry a person gets really excited or stares at me with a blank face like I am foreign. I may have received the second option this time and although I shouldn't have assumed anything, I figured that she is probably not a christian. 1. Who am I to judge that? 2. Tal vez (perhaps) God wanted me to chat with her and share His love with her that day.

By the end of the first dance class I was disappointed with God for not revealing to me another christian. I still enjoyed the class and was enthusiastic for the following week. 1. I expected God's timing to be during class. 2. Who am I to tell God when to time things out haha?

Whelp. As I was walking back to my apartment from class, a guy from my class was walking the same way. We were still fairly close to the building where our class was. It was one of those moments where it was obvious that we just came from the same class and we were close enough to chat. I debated whether or not I should talk to him. Then, he randomly began talking to me phew. As we walked back to our places, the conversation of God came up. We discussed our majors and life after college and he mentioned how he felt God calling him to work overseas. If it wasn't for his boldness and God's Holy Spirit, I may never have known that this guy in my class loves Jesus too. It was...a great moment. After arriving back from my first trip in Guatemala, I began considering long-term oversees mission work (huh? yeah; God definitely put that one on my heart because...I would NEVER consider that even half a year ago whaaaat). Over the weekend and specifically that Monday of my first dance class, I began doubting the idea to move overseas after class because of all of the logistics involved. I started shoving the idea aside. When the guy in my class spoke about overseas work, that flame in my heart for oversees mission work flared up and God reminded me that He is capable of anything. If He wants me somewhere oversees, He'll do His thing. I just need to be willing. Okay hey God.

So...this metaphorical dance. Say what? Ballroom dancing really reflects a personal relationship with Christ as well as relationships with others. I also really love metaphors and God is continuously using this class to share metaphors with me. There are so many metaphors and each one probably deserves its own blog post. I'm only going to share one or two in this because this is already lengthy. 

Okay. Metaphor from today:
The dance instructor taught us another "dip" (where the guy dips the girl and it looks extremely frightening and deathly). I was...to say the least...feeling quite the opposite of my enthusiastic teacher at that moment. She said that "as long as the follow [the lady] follows the man and allows him to do his thing, then everything will go well." (Given that the man listens to the instructor and follows what she says to do). 1. The instructor was absolutely correct regarding her statement. 2. I absolutely love this dip now haha who knew? 3. Metaphor...

Okay - We really must trust God and surrender our lives to Him (much more crazy than a 1 credit dance class haha). When we allow Him to step in and do His thing, we are choosing to follow His lead. When we allow Him to lead as we follow Him (even in uncomfortable, scary, unknown situations), things begin to flow together and everything works out by God's grace. We can see how God abundantly blesses us when we lay down our lives for Him.

Metaphor...related to relationships con otras personas (with other people) - a healthy, intentional dating relationship between a man and a woman looks quite similar to the dance example (and example with God). If a man is in Christ and is pursuing Him and seeks God's instruction...when a woman is also in Christ, pursuing Christ (not the dude), and seeking God's instruction, a beautiful relationship can happen that portrays our personal relationships with Christ. Not everything will be perfect, but things will go well and the two people will be blessed when the man relies on Christ's strength to lead the woman. (The ladies have to do their part as well - patiently follow and submit (although only called to once married I guess) because of her trust in the Lord). When the woman allows the man to lead as she follows him, things go much smoother (and this is very apparent in ballroom dancing). As both the man and the woman intentionally place Christ at the center of their relationship and play the roles they were each meant to play, a beautiful demonstration of a personal relationship with Christ is orchestrated!

Oh. I found out that there are at least three other Christians in my class...now we head back the same way from class and it's great...sometimes those walks are the highlight of my day [snowball fights, random searches for free apples on campus....]

Consume Me

Consume me. Consume my thoughts. Consume my actions. Consume my dreams. Consume me inside and out.

How incredible would it be if we allowed Christ to consume our thoughts, time, actions, dreams, goals; if we let Him consume our lives? What would that look like? All I can say is that it would be incredible and would look nothing like my life now. I've often pondered this. Yet, I cannot seem to be fully consumed by Christ. Why is it so hard? I mean, the world is distracting, a mess, bleh bleh bleh. Distractions, sin, worldly things, SELFISHNESS, PRIDE...yeah, those are all huge things that make it difficult to be fully consumed by God. But then, I think about God and His mighty power. Can He not fully consume me? Is He not greater than this world and all that is in it? Yes. He is greater than all things. He is most powerful and can fully consume me. I realize how often I simply do not allow Him to fully consume me. Still, it is really difficult to remember to let Christ rule in my heart. It is difficult to remember to ask Him daily (despite the clear change in my life when I do ask Him).

I struggle. I am frustrated by my struggle.

It's a scary world, after all.

Our world is scary. I was reminded the other day of how unsafe our world is and how disturbing things can be. Planet Earth is a beautiful planet, but boy is it messy. The people on planet Earth are beautiful, but boy are we messy. I'm not referring to physical messiness (but we are pretty messy that way too...just look at my room!). I'm referring to how (yeah, I'm gonna just say it) screwed up we are! There is so much evil and perverted, twisted, things in our world. It is sad that a girl cannot walk alone without being in fear of someone attacking her or taking advantage of her body. It is sad that there are so many children who come home to parents who are high. It is sad that so many men do not feel adequate to be a man because no one ever affirmed them that they have what it takes. It is sad that so many people do not feel loved. So many people do not know that they are loved! That hurts my heart (as cheesy as that sounds). So many people do not know that they are loved...this phrase continuously crosses my mind and blows it away. How can that be? Every single person ever to exist is loved (by people here, but even more - by the creator). Yet, so many people struggle to believe it. And some, do not even know it. Can we just tell (even one) person each day that they are loved!? Maybe that can be my new goal. And actually, it doesn't have to be everyday (but that would be awesome). I do know that the Holy Spirit will nudge us to tell a person that they are loved at just the right time, place, and...to someone who really needs to hear it. Although, I've gotta say - I think everyone could be reminded that they are loved (I know I need reminded at times too). I'll start now - You. Are. Loved.

And please, please, believe those three words in bold. My heart would not hurt if it were not true. It hurts because it is true and so many people either do not know it, forget it, or do not believe it. So many things in this world tell us otherwise (that's just one way our world gets messy).

I feel that I need to leave this post on a happy note. Y'all ready for this?
Y o u. A r e. L o v e d.

Hotel Earth

We are living in a hotel, the name is Hotel Earth

Everything is out of place, jumbled in a mix of disarray

Hotels were not made for eternal use

More than a night or two, then you're on your way

We are living in this broken place

In a dusted, fragmented room

It's been a long night and a very nasty fight

But when the morning Son arrives

Hotel Earth will be destroyed and re-designed

We will soon be taken home and say

Good-bye Hotel Earth and hello Home Sweet Home

We are back to where we belong