Hmm. So God is working
through a lot of pride in my life. He's working though a crap-load of stuff
right now, actually. But this post is gonna be about how he is stripping away
some pride and bad habits in my life. When I feel needy, I mask my needs because
it makes me feel exposed, weak, and I feel like I’m a hassle for others to deal
with. This week has been one of the worst weeks that I can remember and my
emotions are not at all what I expected them to be in response to crappy stuff
coming up. No relief - only pain, grief, loneliness, with a hint of unhealthy
regret. Multiple times, I've found myself utterly helpless, needy, and exposed
to vulnerability at its finest. I cannot control my emotions in front of other
people. I'm usually pretty good at that but it comes at a dangerous cost. I've
found myself in the hands of others, feeling so weak and challenged with the
reality that I need their help and I cannot hide my neediness from them. Dang.
I need help. Shoot, I'm weaker than I thought. Crap, I'm a mess and I cannot
work through things on my own.
The thing is - I know
the truth. I know God will gradually heal me. I know He is gonna be faithful to
me (as He always has been) and use this to strengthen my trust in Him. But the
thing is, I am super weak and needy right now and as much truth as I know to be
true, I still need help. I just do.
The girls
that I'm supposed to be building into are building into me. I'm supposed to be
asking them how their lives are going and instead, they are asking me. Multiple
staff members are loving-on me like crazy. I'm a broken, messy, weak person.
The great thing is that I don't need to hide my neediness. I don't need to be
strong. I need to rely on God's strength because I ain't got nothin’. It's okay
for me to ask for help and accept it when it's offered. God placed me in a community
that follows Christ's example (not perfectly, no) and is allowing me to go to
my brothers and sisters in Christ during this time. There is something beautiful about being sweetly broken
within the body of Christ. A mess, exposed, vulnerable, weak, humbled - and
that is completely okay to be all of those things.
Jesus did not mask his
emotions, pain, and agony to his disciples. Rather, he shared his emotions and
pain with them. He asked them to pray for him and be with him during times of
distress. See the reference here. If
we, as the body of Christ want to follow Jesus' example, this is one way that we
can. Within many churches, we rarely express our deepest pain and neediness. We
don't ask for help. When we remember where our righteousness comes from and
where our true identity lies in Christ, we are free to struggle. Hallelujah!
